hoping for a glittering future

Happiness

2010-06-13T03:55:00.002+01:00

Hello, just a late night blog email update. I am feeling much better than the last entry! Will write a longer update about everything going on!

I am annoyed tonight with myself for always relying on others to make me happy. Like waiting for a message or a call! Its not their fault but when they don't have time for me that happiness is gone and over! I have to make myself happy. I can't rely on anyone else. Just feeling a bit abandoned and stupid tonight. I need to be able to do things as an individual and not rely on anyone else. I am currently onto a big losing game! Happiness when I hear from someone. This always happens to me. Everything is one sided on my side! Not on theirs!

Me first and then others, ugh its almost impossible for me to do that :( just always get let down by my own expectations of someone!

Much love
D xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Desperation, Rejection and Acceptance

2010-04-27T17:55:00.001+01:00

I am not good dealing with all three phrases at the moment and feeling frustration more than ever! Maybe it would push me over a line into a normal life! But feel big changes or maybe becoming more crazier than ever!

I feel desperation more than ever of my situation and want better. I have some really good friends in real life and have met more and new people in the last year. There is people who actually want and adore my company! I do do things with them but am restricted, but do some things with them. But I guess most of my time I am isolated and on my own. I envy a social life. People who are involved with groups and clubs and people. I feel massive pressure meeting gay men and so avoid them because scared they will reject me and not accept me. I am just scared I won't fit in.

I know lots of people on twitter and enjoy talking to them and lots of gay guys from London but I have have noticed that they are all now meeting up and having good social times. In the last month this has been really getting me down. I feel left out and too scared to join in. and feel that I would be treated negatively if I did meet them ever. like omg did you see him? I think I am starting to want real life contact and this would lead to more opportunities to meet more nice people and maybe a nice man.

I have made some really great friends for life from the internet who I talk too and adore. But you don't always get on with everyone. Someone I talked to for a long time on twitter last Friday attacked me randomly. I think he was drunk and started messaging me abuse with things like "actually you are really ugly" just randomly in a @ reply. I didn't feel upset about this, I said I am only interested in talking to people positively and he wrote something else and so I blocked him and felt quite empowered about it. But another guy on twitter is friends with quite a few people I know and added him. I think he is handsome and interesting but he never followed me back or spoke to me or replied to anything I sent him, just blanked me. He wrote a tweet to someone about you should see some of the people who is following me in a negative way. I took this neurotically to mean me. I was very upset about this yesterday but decided to look at it in a sensible way. His stream is all sexual and he only adds porn stars and shirtless people and its hard for me to believe it but its his loss that he is not friends with me really. I may be totally fucked up and not the best looking but you know I am a good friend. Loyal and caring and always there whatever. if I see someone I know going through a hard time I always send a message to cheer them up. Its just my nature :) I decided to unfollow him. There is no point having someone who makes you upset in your life. If you only follow people online for how extremely good looking they are in one tiny picture then do I really want to know that person? ugh

He totally blanked me and I am not good with rejection. Do all really good looking guys reject me? he was not that great looking really! but wanted a friendship with him. I should really spend the time and effort with people who do talk to me and do care about me.

With friends we had a totally unplanned and spontaneous party last Saturday with bbq and alcohol and one of them told me that they were so glad I was there because they love it when I am around. It was a really great day! Next Sunday is my 31st birthday and having a birthday bbq with friends and loved ones. There will be some lovely gay friends there but I am still scared about the real life social circle type thing. Will everyone just reject me?

I really need acceptance and people who just love me whatever and I often forget there is people like that in my life. But I need to broaden my circle and horizons. I should not be getting down or depressed or sad about people from social networking, they don't know me at all. Most of all I really need a guy to put all my caring and love into :(

I shouldn't really feel upset about the people who are not worth it. There is people in the world I will never get on with or will like me! I think getting better social esteem is all about not bothering with those people. Life goes on and hoping this current down times move on and go!

I really hope I have chance of a social life with similar gay people and a nice guy in the future :)

Much love
D xx

I'm not normally envious of "normal" but...

2010-04-18T02:39:00.001+01:00

I am always envious of people who just lead their lives everyday and have no anxiety or panic! I wish I could have normal feelings too and do every single thing I want, right now! I have nothing to apologise for but everything is a push and difficult, yet I do things and fight against just never going out again. Pushing yourself out has gotta be the better choice back to normalcy right? Just gotta keep fighting and pushing!

I will update you longer tomorrow dear blog with everything that's going on in my life at the moment!

Much love
D xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

The Challenge

2010-01-28T00:28:00.002Z

So tomorrow is something that has been driving me insane for the last 3 months or maybe even more! oral surgery! My dentist told me that I need to have a wisdom tooth out because its decaying with age and is really hard to get too, its under the gum and difficult. She referred me to my local hospital to get checked out. I should be in lots of pain with it apparently but feel none and feel no problems with it at all!

I go in the morning at 11:30am and the operation is early afternoon and then I should be back about 5-6pm! There will be general anaesthetic and the recovery is a bit horrid! I am actually having two wisdom teeth out now and they get stitched up and then for the first few days there is lots of swelling, bruising etc and soft food and soup and yoghurt!

I really dont want to do this but now I just want it over with and out of the way and I move on with 2010! I am most anxious about being in a bed around other people and coping all by myself!

I have really been reading the book "feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers and I just have to keep telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow I'll handle it! it cant be worse than my anxious thoughts about it!

I will cope and handle it! and then hopefully will get loads of nice painkillers and soon next week will be a little more back to normal! I do feel I am becoming more empowered and hoping I can handle this next challenge which is the most difficult for me so far :)

much love D xx

I'm still not dead (yet)

2010-01-26T23:18:00.003Z

I posted this on my livejournal as well which is a little cheeky, I normally keep them separate :)

Hey,
its 2010 and a livejournal update *gasp* which updates rss feeds and other stuff around the web! I forget exactly where it sends posts also too! Nearly everyone on my livejournal has deleted their journal or not updating anymore! I think the future of livejournal is its dead. I use facebook and twitter so much more now, there is links to my profiles on my info! I update them daily! I am still not deleting my lj yet, I will update occasionally :)

2009 was by large a bit of a crap year but with some fleeting good moment! although I feel I made a gentle progress through it

10 things I did in 2009

I lost three people I knew but none of them that close or that I was related too. All of the deaths were horrible and still made me sad :(

I made about 2000 friends on twitter! People still keep adding me, I am really not that interesting!

I started a fairly anonymous mental health blog, I am not very good at anonymous and is pretty easy to find, ask me privately if you want the link, people seem to like it ;)

I turned 30 in May and struggled before reaching old age! I threw a cocktail party in a bar! I had all my friends there and randomly invited some people I knew from the interweb and felt close with and they were wonderful! I had never danced so much or drunk so much ;-)

Also in May I upgraded my phone to my first ever Blackberry which is currently sent off for repair, I am really really missing it so much! I may be addicted badly :)

I realised my fave drink of all is an appletini and prefer spirits / cocktails/ white wine to beer

My family did major building work and extended the house to create a new conservatory / sun room and double size kitchen and little toilet downstairs. It looks gorgeous and the kitchen is all modern with fabulous appliances. its the first new kitchen my mum has had since 1985! The work went on from July to the end of November! No work went on during August however. It was high stress and I photographed everything as a record :)

I thought I had found love with someone, I was mistaken :(

I became addicted to Lady Gaga

I celebrated my best friend / fag hag's birthday in a bar / club in Earl's Court last Dec.

I think I challenge and push myself more to do things! I can see that I am progressing to a normal life of not anxiety insanity, but its still a slow progress! I want a nice man and a job / career, but I think I am edging closer to those :)

in 2009 my New Year's resolution was to not take anything personally, especially not on the internet! its so easy to misread things!
in 2010 my resolution is to be a little more selfish, I always care and worry about others. I want to do what I want that makes me happy! if I cant be happy or love myself then why should I rely on anyone else. I think its all about the self and more independence this year.

On Thursday I am having minor surgery in hospital. I go in the morning and then early afternoon they are going to do oral surgery under general anaesthetic to remove two wisdom teeth. Its a little complicated to get to them so has to have a general anaesthetic! Its been stressing me out for the past 3 months about it! I should be home that evening hopefully! I then have a fun week of a really bruised jaw and stitched up mouth and there is gonna be soup and yoghurt eating! I have been reading "feel the fear and feel it anyway" and it has been making me see it more positively! I am most worried about handling the recovery. what happens if I am really ill afterwards. I am being positive and optimistic and I can handle it (I hope)

2010 is all about new and more challenges! I realise I have to do things that I don't like and feel stressful! :)

much love D xx

Happy 2010!

2010-01-17T18:31:00.003Z

hey, happy 2010!
*big hugs* to everyone who keeps reading this little place via rss or as a google friend! means a lot! gonna do a post update in the next week but want to paste here two posts from other places! which is a bit of a cheap copy and paste but want them here too :)

After my last posting in August which was a really bad month things did get a lot better! 2009 was a bit of a shit year but that month really was the worst! doing a bit better now and hoping 2010 is better! will keep updating every so often :)

This was something I posted in a Facebook note to only certain friends on the 11th November 2009:-

Wake Up Boo!

hey loves,
so couldn't decide whether to post this on my private blog or on fb to my best friends and family filter only or just make is visible to all my fb friends. I decided to make it visible to all because I hate hiding things from some people and also cant be arsed to work out who should see it or not!

So I think during 2009 I have come to accept and not dismiss other suggestions and ideas and its been suggested to me by counsellors that perhaps I have withdrawn from life and suffering from bad anxiety rather than any actual physical illness. Up to this year I would have argued massively against that but now think it could be true. This has been since 1996.

But talking to a counsellor in my life today that I see every month she suggested the idea that I was going through a bad time in college when I first got ill and it was a confusing and dark time. I withdrew from people and society and it has issues to do with sexuality and having a man in my life. I think this could be true, that by hiding myself away I am "protecting" myself from hurt or rejection.

I have isolated myself to avoid any romantic relationships and I believe that to be true

I think I need to clear away the past and throw out everything old, anything to do with unhappy times an times at college and move on with life. I am trapped in a bubble. Maybe all this realisation helps or maybe it does absolutely nothing, we shall see

This is not a depressing post, I am doing okay at the moment but slowly changing my life for the better
much love D xx

I'm not quite so well, I thought you should know :(

2009-08-03T15:45:00.003+01:00

Times are crappy at the moment! My best friend just lost her father to cancer last week and a friend of the family has her son in a coma at the moment. He is a 32 year old Dr, who was beaten up on the way home in central london and has been all over the local news and newspapers. Its very sad. I had met him once before and after a week still in a total coma. They stole money and phone but was all the violence worth that?

Anyway my best friends father's funeral is this week sometime. I wanna go but not sure. My health is crappy. We will see what happens! Also there is major building work going on to the house which is really stressful. I am cracking up physically and emotionally :( I don't feel well and anxiety is really bad plus feeling miserable and sad! I don't feel like doing anything or challenging myself at all anymore

Apart from my brilliant 30th birthday party this year, 2009 Is turning into the worst year ever! Which is ironic because getting my fortune told in May 2008 said it would be a brilliant year and transformational for the better and back to normal life!

To be honest at the moment I don't think anything could get any worse! I am still thinking about getting cognitive behavioural therapy. You gotta make changes to get changes but to be honest I want things to settle down a bit first!

I just want to be miserable on my own in a quiet place, I really deserve better from karma by now :(

D xx

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

update:- feeling a bit better then when I wrote this earlier! hoping good things now enter my life :)

the plastic population

2009-07-13T21:42:00.003+01:00

I am tired of being ignored by some people online. I have them as a friend on fb or twitter or whatever.com and maybe they once talked to me but now they don't reply to anything I say or comment on! A sensible person would just delete them but I would feel too guilty! I hate being ignored especially when I make the effort to write something! Its probably not gonna be about anyone reading this blog right now, its other people.

I need a man to come into my life just totally randomly and change my whole life. Its weird that slightly fucked up to think that would be the answer to everything but its all I want really at the moment :(

D xx

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

2009-07-04T15:26:00.001+01:00

Today is Pride in London and I am one of the few gays not going. Loads of really lovely people invited me to events at it or wanted to meet me from twitter and stuff. I feel quite honoured that anyone would want too :)

I don't think I could handle it to be honest, all the crowds etc but I do support it and I really want to go one day, I always say next year! Maybe I will one year.

All of my friends are tied up busy and could not go with me even if I wanted to push myself and hate doing stressful things all by myself

So feeling a little tearful and isolated today and makes me realise my life is far from normal but hope the people who are at Pride today know I am with them in spirit!

D xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world

2009-06-29T23:26:00.001+01:00

Although I am not a girl!
The problem with CFS / M.E is there is no test to diagnose it. Its a process of elimination, so they test for everything and if all come back negative and you have certain symptoms then you get a diagnosis of it. My first year was very difficult and it reminded me of the film "The Exorcist" where they test the girl with these big heavy loud machines and in some ways as scary as the supernatural parts. I started hoping any test would show anything, these days I am bored of hospital tests and try to not have any if I can help it.

Seeing a councillor once a month its been suggested in the past that perhaps its not a "physical" illness but a "mental" one, eg its all anxiety or stress etc. I do get real symptoms that are physical but perhaps its all mental, if that makes sense and really I should have had more help then I have got, if that is true. I think that's a hard concept to come to terms with personally and only on the last 12 months could I say that I accept that's a possible theory. No one Doctors, Psychs or any professionals can say for sure because there is no blood test for yes or no! Maybe its just simpler and easier to say I have felt too unwell to do things or live a normal life.

But Weds 2 weeks talking to the councillor she suggested something as well. We were talking about gay issues. I am not sure if I have negative issues about being gay. I really admire other friends but perhaps feel negative a bit about myself. But she suggested that at the time I first got ill I was coming to terms with being gay and perhaps I have issues with guys. I accept to myself that it is probably true. Perhaps I hid myself away from the world in order to avoid relationships with guys. I think its true but don't know why or why I am protecting myself. Maybe its low self esteem or self confidence. I have managed somehow to avoid men. Its something I have come to terms with but now gotta work out where to go from here. I don't hate being gay or anything like that although when I first got ill I did view it negatively, I think that's changed now but still a little scared of some people finding out. I am scared of negative reaction or abuse. But maybe I feel the intimacy or getting rejected?

Someone told me the other day I was the nicest person they know but also the most fucked up :)

Its hard to come to terms with your issues sometimes, but I think I accept and see the patterns now more than ever, that's gotta be a good thing!

D xx

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Aim of the Blog

2009-06-24T01:18:00.002+01:00

I have facebook, twitter and livejournal (hardly ever update it anymore) and they are all really busy places these days and I need a private place to write my thoughts and feelings and to escape. I am aiming to keep this place fairly secret apart from some people and people who randomly find me or find me through google friends connect. I am going to aim not to broadcast the url of it publicly which will be hard for me with my big mouth.

I am happy-go-lucky and cheerful and positive 90% of the time but sometimes I need to get out my feelings and thoughts.

In the last year my health has improved somewhat and in some ways its more frustrating. I now feel a bit jealous and envious of what friends are doing and want to be doing those things! I want to work or study during the day and bitch about my boss and secretly twitter or facebook or text friends and then come home and have crazy fun times with my ideal soulmate. I think it will come, I just have to wait (maybe?)

D xx

test

2009-05-28T00:03:00.000+01:00

this is just a test post!