hoping for a glittering future

Hello, just a late night blog email update. I am feeling much better than the last entry! Will write a longer update about everything going on!

I am annoyed tonight with myself for always relying on others to make me happy. Like waiting for a message or a call! Its not their fault but when they don't have time for me that happiness is gone and over! I have to make myself happy. I can't rely on anyone else. Just feeling a bit abandoned and stupid tonight. I need to be able to do things as an individual and not rely on anyone else. I am currently onto a big losing game! Happiness when I hear from someone. This always happens to me. Everything is one sided on my side! Not on theirs!

Me first and then others, ugh its almost impossible for me to do that :( just always get let down by my own expectations of someone!

Much love
D xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

I am not good dealing with all three phrases at the moment and feeling frustration more than ever! Maybe it would push me over a line into a normal life! But feel big changes or maybe becoming more crazier than ever!

I feel desperation more than ever of my situation and want better. I have some really good friends in real life and have met more and new people in the last year. There is people who actually want and adore my company! I do do things with them but am restricted, but do some things with them. But I guess most of my time I am isolated and on my own. I envy a social life. People who are involved with groups and clubs and people. I feel massive pressure meeting gay men and so avoid them because scared they will reject me and not accept me. I am just scared I won't fit in.

I know lots of people on twitter and enjoy talking to them and lots of gay guys from London but I have have noticed that they are all now meeting up and having good social times. In the last month this has been really getting me down. I feel left out and too scared to join in. and feel that I would be treated negatively if I did meet them ever. like omg did you see him? I think I am starting to want real life contact and this would lead to more opportunities to meet more nice people and maybe a nice man.

I have made some really great friends for life from the internet who I talk too and adore. But you don't always get on with everyone. Someone I talked to for a long time on twitter last Friday attacked me randomly. I think he was drunk and started messaging me abuse with things like "actually you are really ugly" just randomly in a @ reply. I didn't feel upset about this, I said I am only interested in talking to people positively and he wrote something else and so I blocked him and felt quite empowered about it. But another guy on twitter is friends with quite a few people I know and added him. I think he is handsome and interesting but he never followed me back or spoke to me or replied to anything I sent him, just blanked me. He wrote a tweet to someone about you should see some of the people who is following me in a negative way. I took this neurotically to mean me. I was very upset about this yesterday but decided to look at it in a sensible way. His stream is all sexual and he only adds porn stars and shirtless people and its hard for me to believe it but its his loss that he is not friends with me really. I may be totally fucked up and not the best looking but you know I am a good friend. Loyal and caring and always there whatever. if I see someone I know going through a hard time I always send a message to cheer them up. Its just my nature :) I decided to unfollow him. There is no point having someone who makes you upset in your life. If you only follow people online for how extremely good looking they are in one tiny picture then do I really want to know that person? ugh

He totally blanked me and I am not good with rejection. Do all really good looking guys reject me? he was not that great looking really! but wanted a friendship with him. I should really spend the time and effort with people who do talk to me and do care about me.

With friends we had a totally unplanned and spontaneous party last Saturday with bbq and alcohol and one of them told me that they were so glad I was there because they love it when I am around. It was a really great day! Next Sunday is my 31st birthday and having a birthday bbq with friends and loved ones. There will be some lovely gay friends there but I am still scared about the real life social circle type thing. Will everyone just reject me?

I really need acceptance and people who just love me whatever and I often forget there is people like that in my life. But I need to broaden my circle and horizons. I should not be getting down or depressed or sad about people from social networking, they don't know me at all. Most of all I really need a guy to put all my caring and love into :(

I shouldn't really feel upset about the people who are not worth it. There is people in the world I will never get on with or will like me! I think getting better social esteem is all about not bothering with those people. Life goes on and hoping this current down times move on and go!

I really hope I have chance of a social life with similar gay people and a nice guy in the future :)

Much love
D xx

I am always envious of people who just lead their lives everyday and have no anxiety or panic! I wish I could have normal feelings too and do every single thing I want, right now! I have nothing to apologise for but everything is a push and difficult, yet I do things and fight against just never going out again. Pushing yourself out has gotta be the better choice back to normalcy right? Just gotta keep fighting and pushing!

I will update you longer tomorrow dear blog with everything that's going on in my life at the moment!

Much love
D xx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

So tomorrow is something that has been driving me insane for the last 3 months or maybe even more! oral surgery! My dentist told me that I need to have a wisdom tooth out because its decaying with age and is really hard to get too, its under the gum and difficult. She referred me to my local hospital to get checked out. I should be in lots of pain with it apparently but feel none and feel no problems with it at all!

I go in the morning at 11:30am and the operation is early afternoon and then I should be back about 5-6pm! There will be general anaesthetic and the recovery is a bit horrid! I am actually having two wisdom teeth out now and they get stitched up and then for the first few days there is lots of swelling, bruising etc and soft food and soup and yoghurt!

I really dont want to do this but now I just want it over with and out of the way and I move on with 2010! I am most anxious about being in a bed around other people and coping all by myself!

I have really been reading the book "feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers and I just have to keep telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow I'll handle it! it cant be worse than my anxious thoughts about it!

I will cope and handle it! and then hopefully will get loads of nice painkillers and soon next week will be a little more back to normal! I do feel I am becoming more empowered and hoping I can handle this next challenge which is the most difficult for me so far :)

much love D xx

I posted this on my livejournal as well which is a little cheeky, I normally keep them separate :)

Hey,
its 2010 and a livejournal update *gasp* which updates rss feeds and other stuff around the web! I forget exactly where it sends posts also too! Nearly everyone on my livejournal has deleted their journal or not updating anymore! I think the future of livejournal is its dead. I use facebook and twitter so much more now, there is links to my profiles on my info! I update them daily! I am still not deleting my lj yet, I will update occasionally :)

2009 was by large a bit of a crap year but with some fleeting good moment! although I feel I made a gentle progress through it

10 things I did in 2009

• I lost three people I knew but none of them that close or that I was related too. All of the deaths were horrible and still made me sad :(


• I made about 2000 friends on twitter! People still keep adding me, I am really not that interesting!


• I started a fairly anonymous mental health blog, I am not very good at anonymous and is pretty easy to find, ask me privately if you want the link, people seem to like it ;)


• I turned 30 in May and struggled before reaching old age! I threw a cocktail party in a bar! I had all my friends there and randomly invited some people I knew from the interweb and felt close with and they were wonderful! I had never danced so much or drunk so much ;-)


• Also in May I upgraded my phone to my first ever Blackberry which is currently sent off for repair, I am really really missing it so much! I may be addicted badly :)


• I realised my fave drink of all is an appletini and prefer spirits / cocktails/ white wine to beer


• My family did major building work and extended the house to create a new conservatory / sun room and double size kitchen and little toilet downstairs. It looks gorgeous and the kitchen is all modern with fabulous appliances. its the first new kitchen my mum has had since 1985! The work went on from July to the end of November! No work went on during August however. It was high stress and I photographed everything as a record :)
• I thought I had found love with someone, I was mistaken :(
• I became addicted to Lady Gaga
• I celebrated my best friend / fag hag's birthday in a bar / club in Earl's Court last Dec.

I think I challenge and push myself more to do things! I can see that I am progressing to a normal life of not anxiety insanity, but its still a slow progress! I want a nice man and a job / career, but I think I am edging closer to those :)

in 2009 my New Year's resolution was to not take anything personally, especially not on the internet! its so easy to misread things!
in 2010 my resolution is to be a little more selfish, I always care and worry about others. I want to do what I want that makes me happy! if I cant be happy or love myself then why should I rely on anyone else. I think its all about the self and more independence this year.

On Thursday I am having minor surgery in hospital. I go in the morning and then early afternoon they are going to do oral surgery under general anaesthetic to remove two wisdom teeth. Its a little complicated to get to them so has to have a general anaesthetic! Its been stressing me out for the past 3 months about it! I should be home that evening hopefully! I then have a fun week of a really bruised jaw and stitched up mouth and there is gonna be soup and yoghurt eating! I have been reading "feel the fear and feel it anyway" and it has been making me see it more positively! I am most worried about handling the recovery. what happens if I am really ill afterwards. I am being positive and optimistic and I can handle it (I hope)

2010 is all about new and more challenges! I realise I have to do things that I don't like and feel stressful! :)

much love D xx

hey, happy 2010!
*big hugs* to everyone who keeps reading this little place via rss or as a google friend! means a lot! gonna do a post update in the next week but want to paste here two posts from other places! which is a bit of a cheap copy and paste but want them here too :)

After my last posting in August which was a really bad month things did get a lot better! 2009 was a bit of a shit year but that month really was the worst! doing a bit better now and hoping 2010 is better! will keep updating every so often :)

This was something I posted in a Facebook note to only certain friends on the 11th November 2009:-

Times are crappy at the moment! My best friend just lost her father to cancer last week and a friend of the family has her son in a coma at the moment. He is a 32 year old Dr, who was beaten up on the way home in central london and has been all over the local news and newspapers. Its very sad. I had met him once before and after a week still in a total coma. They stole money and phone but was all the violence worth that?



Anyway my best friends father's funeral is this week sometime. I wanna go but not sure. My health is crappy. We will see what happens! Also there is major building work going on to the house which is really stressful. I am cracking up physically and emotionally :( I don't feel well and anxiety is really bad plus feeling miserable and sad! I don't feel like doing anything or challenging myself at all anymore



Apart from my brilliant 30th birthday party this year, 2009 Is turning into the worst year ever! Which is ironic because getting my fortune told in May 2008 said it would be a brilliant year and transformational for the better and back to normal life!



To be honest at the moment I don't think anything could get any worse! I am still thinking about getting cognitive behavioural therapy. You gotta make changes to get changes but to be honest I want things to settle down a bit first!



I just want to be miserable on my own in a quiet place, I really deserve better from karma by now :(



D xx

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

update:- feeling a bit better then when I wrote this earlier! hoping good things now enter my life :)