Although I am not a girl!
The problem with CFS / M.E is there is no test to diagnose it. Its a process of elimination, so they test for everything and if all come back negative and you have certain symptoms then you get a diagnosis of it. My first year was very difficult and it reminded me of the film "The Exorcist" where they test the girl with these big heavy loud machines and in some ways as scary as the supernatural parts. I started hoping any test would show anything, these days I am bored of hospital tests and try to not have any if I can help it.
Seeing a councillor once a month its been suggested in the past that perhaps its not a "physical" illness but a "mental" one, eg its all anxiety or stress etc. I do get real symptoms that are physical but perhaps its all mental, if that makes sense and really I should have had more help then I have got, if that is true. I think that's a hard concept to come to terms with personally and only on the last 12 months could I say that I accept that's a possible theory. No one Doctors, Psychs or any professionals can say for sure because there is no blood test for yes or no! Maybe its just simpler and easier to say I have felt too unwell to do things or live a normal life.
But Weds 2 weeks talking to the councillor she suggested something as well. We were talking about gay issues. I am not sure if I have negative issues about being gay. I really admire other friends but perhaps feel negative a bit about myself. But she suggested that at the time I first got ill I was coming to terms with being gay and perhaps I have issues with guys. I accept to myself that it is probably true. Perhaps I hid myself away from the world in order to avoid relationships with guys. I think its true but don't know why or why I am protecting myself. Maybe its low self esteem or self confidence. I have managed somehow to avoid men. Its something I have come to terms with but now gotta work out where to go from here. I don't hate being gay or anything like that although when I first got ill I did view it negatively, I think that's changed now but still a little scared of some people finding out. I am scared of negative reaction or abuse. But maybe I feel the intimacy or getting rejected?
Someone told me the other day I was the nicest person they know but also the most fucked up :)
Its hard to come to terms with your issues sometimes, but I think I accept and see the patterns now more than ever, that's gotta be a good thing!
D xx
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4 comments:
I had a friend, who, unfortunately I have lost touch with in the last few years. He and his wife used to work with me and they had two kids. The secret...he was gay. His wife knew. Finally, he decided to get a divorce (He still loved her and his kids but didn't think it was fair to her/them...so he opted for that). I have talked to him on the telephone many times during all of that where he just cried and cried because he felt that his being gay was a sin, but he couldn't help it. I'm not sure where I stand on that issue, but I can say for sure...no one would "choose" to be as miserable as he was because of it. I didn't and don't judge him or anyone else who is gay. I can't possibly know what they are going through, but I had a taste of it through my friend. I do not judge/look down on anyone who is gay/or any of that...I have no room to judge ANYone...I have enough troubles of my own and if I were to be judged...well YIKES. I guess what I am trying to say is...don't let the majority of the world's negative opinion about being gay bring you down. I am not gay, but, I am, at almost 43 years old (UGH!) just now realizing that I am who I am...and I can't help it if some other people don't like me or agree with me or my thoughts or beliefs. This is me, take me or leave me...I am who I am. You, too should just be you. Don't worry about what other people think. You can't please everyone. It is impossible and you shouldn't try. Life is too short. It's time to put you first! And remember that you have people who DO love you for YOU! *Hugs*
Ali_bops
I'm so proud of you for writing this. We totally have to talk on the phone one night, I'll just get a phone card of something. But you are one of the strongest people that I know.
You seem to be getting better by leaps and bounds. But remember that you sometimes have to go through hell to get to the good stuff.
You are one of the nicest people that I know. Remember that you are getting better by leaps and bounds and that sometimes you have to go through hell to get to the good stuff.
We need to talk on the phone sometime soon.
give me your number on facebook.
I will get a calling card and we can have a chat.
I am very proud of you for writing this.
*hugs* to you all for your lovely comments xx
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