hoping for a glittering future

I am not good dealing with all three phrases at the moment and feeling frustration more than ever! Maybe it would push me over a line into a normal life! But feel big changes or maybe becoming more crazier than ever!

I feel desperation more than ever of my situation and want better. I have some really good friends in real life and have met more and new people in the last year. There is people who actually want and adore my company! I do do things with them but am restricted, but do some things with them. But I guess most of my time I am isolated and on my own. I envy a social life. People who are involved with groups and clubs and people. I feel massive pressure meeting gay men and so avoid them because scared they will reject me and not accept me. I am just scared I won't fit in.

I know lots of people on twitter and enjoy talking to them and lots of gay guys from London but I have have noticed that they are all now meeting up and having good social times. In the last month this has been really getting me down. I feel left out and too scared to join in. and feel that I would be treated negatively if I did meet them ever. like omg did you see him? I think I am starting to want real life contact and this would lead to more opportunities to meet more nice people and maybe a nice man.

I have made some really great friends for life from the internet who I talk too and adore. But you don't always get on with everyone. Someone I talked to for a long time on twitter last Friday attacked me randomly. I think he was drunk and started messaging me abuse with things like "actually you are really ugly" just randomly in a @ reply. I didn't feel upset about this, I said I am only interested in talking to people positively and he wrote something else and so I blocked him and felt quite empowered about it. But another guy on twitter is friends with quite a few people I know and added him. I think he is handsome and interesting but he never followed me back or spoke to me or replied to anything I sent him, just blanked me. He wrote a tweet to someone about you should see some of the people who is following me in a negative way. I took this neurotically to mean me. I was very upset about this yesterday but decided to look at it in a sensible way. His stream is all sexual and he only adds porn stars and shirtless people and its hard for me to believe it but its his loss that he is not friends with me really. I may be totally fucked up and not the best looking but you know I am a good friend. Loyal and caring and always there whatever. if I see someone I know going through a hard time I always send a message to cheer them up. Its just my nature :) I decided to unfollow him. There is no point having someone who makes you upset in your life. If you only follow people online for how extremely good looking they are in one tiny picture then do I really want to know that person? ugh

He totally blanked me and I am not good with rejection. Do all really good looking guys reject me? he was not that great looking really! but wanted a friendship with him. I should really spend the time and effort with people who do talk to me and do care about me.

With friends we had a totally unplanned and spontaneous party last Saturday with bbq and alcohol and one of them told me that they were so glad I was there because they love it when I am around. It was a really great day! Next Sunday is my 31st birthday and having a birthday bbq with friends and loved ones. There will be some lovely gay friends there but I am still scared about the real life social circle type thing. Will everyone just reject me?

I really need acceptance and people who just love me whatever and I often forget there is people like that in my life. But I need to broaden my circle and horizons. I should not be getting down or depressed or sad about people from social networking, they don't know me at all. Most of all I really need a guy to put all my caring and love into :(

I shouldn't really feel upset about the people who are not worth it. There is people in the world I will never get on with or will like me! I think getting better social esteem is all about not bothering with those people. Life goes on and hoping this current down times move on and go!

I really hope I have chance of a social life with similar gay people and a nice guy in the future :)

Much love
D xx

I am always envious of people who just lead their lives everyday and have no anxiety or panic! I wish I could have normal feelings too and do every single thing I want, right now! I have nothing to apologise for but everything is a push and difficult, yet I do things and fight against just never going out again. Pushing yourself out has gotta be the better choice back to normalcy right? Just gotta keep fighting and pushing!

I will update you longer tomorrow dear blog with everything that's going on in my life at the moment!

Much love
D xx
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