hoping for a glittering future

Times are crappy at the moment! My best friend just lost her father to cancer last week and a friend of the family has her son in a coma at the moment. He is a 32 year old Dr, who was beaten up on the way home in central london and has been all over the local news and newspapers. Its very sad. I had met him once before and after a week still in a total coma. They stole money and phone but was all the violence worth that?



Anyway my best friends father's funeral is this week sometime. I wanna go but not sure. My health is crappy. We will see what happens! Also there is major building work going on to the house which is really stressful. I am cracking up physically and emotionally :( I don't feel well and anxiety is really bad plus feeling miserable and sad! I don't feel like doing anything or challenging myself at all anymore



Apart from my brilliant 30th birthday party this year, 2009 Is turning into the worst year ever! Which is ironic because getting my fortune told in May 2008 said it would be a brilliant year and transformational for the better and back to normal life!



To be honest at the moment I don't think anything could get any worse! I am still thinking about getting cognitive behavioural therapy. You gotta make changes to get changes but to be honest I want things to settle down a bit first!



I just want to be miserable on my own in a quiet place, I really deserve better from karma by now :(



D xx

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update:- feeling a bit better then when I wrote this earlier! hoping good things now enter my life :)

I am tired of being ignored by some people online. I have them as a friend on fb or twitter or whatever.com and maybe they once talked to me but now they don't reply to anything I say or comment on! A sensible person would just delete them but I would feel too guilty! I hate being ignored especially when I make the effort to write something! Its probably not gonna be about anyone reading this blog right now, its other people.

I need a man to come into my life just totally randomly and change my whole life. Its weird that slightly fucked up to think that would be the answer to everything but its all I want really at the moment :(

D xx

Today is Pride in London and I am one of the few gays not going. Loads of really lovely people invited me to events at it or wanted to meet me from twitter and stuff. I feel quite honoured that anyone would want too :)

I don't think I could handle it to be honest, all the crowds etc but I do support it and I really want to go one day, I always say next year! Maybe I will one year.

All of my friends are tied up busy and could not go with me even if I wanted to push myself and hate doing stressful things all by myself

So feeling a little tearful and isolated today and makes me realise my life is far from normal but hope the people who are at Pride today know I am with them in spirit!

D xx
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Although I am not a girl!
The problem with CFS / M.E is there is no test to diagnose it. Its a process of elimination, so they test for everything and if all come back negative and you have certain symptoms then you get a diagnosis of it. My first year was very difficult and it reminded me of the film "The Exorcist" where they test the girl with these big heavy loud machines and in some ways as scary as the supernatural parts. I started hoping any test would show anything, these days I am bored of hospital tests and try to not have any if I can help it.

Seeing a councillor once a month its been suggested in the past that perhaps its not a "physical" illness but a "mental" one, eg its all anxiety or stress etc. I do get real symptoms that are physical but perhaps its all mental, if that makes sense and really I should have had more help then I have got, if that is true. I think that's a hard concept to come to terms with personally and only on the last 12 months could I say that I accept that's a possible theory. No one Doctors, Psychs or any professionals can say for sure because there is no blood test for yes or no! Maybe its just simpler and easier to say I have felt too unwell to do things or live a normal life.

But Weds 2 weeks talking to the councillor she suggested something as well. We were talking about gay issues. I am not sure if I have negative issues about being gay. I really admire other friends but perhaps feel negative a bit about myself. But she suggested that at the time I first got ill I was coming to terms with being gay and perhaps I have issues with guys. I accept to myself that it is probably true. Perhaps I hid myself away from the world in order to avoid relationships with guys. I think its true but don't know why or why I am protecting myself. Maybe its low self esteem or self confidence. I have managed somehow to avoid men. Its something I have come to terms with but now gotta work out where to go from here. I don't hate being gay or anything like that although when I first got ill I did view it negatively, I think that's changed now but still a little scared of some people finding out. I am scared of negative reaction or abuse. But maybe I feel the intimacy or getting rejected?

Someone told me the other day I was the nicest person they know but also the most fucked up :)

Its hard to come to terms with your issues sometimes, but I think I accept and see the patterns now more than ever, that's gotta be a good thing!

D xx

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I have facebook, twitter and livejournal (hardly ever update it anymore) and they are all really busy places these days and I need a private place to write my thoughts and feelings and to escape. I am aiming to keep this place fairly secret apart from some people and people who randomly find me or find me through google friends connect. I am going to aim not to broadcast the url of it publicly which will be hard for me with my big mouth.

I am happy-go-lucky and cheerful and positive 90% of the time but sometimes I need to get out my feelings and thoughts.

In the last year my health has improved somewhat and in some ways its more frustrating. I now feel a bit jealous and envious of what friends are doing and want to be doing those things! I want to work or study during the day and bitch about my boss and secretly twitter or facebook or text friends and then come home and have crazy fun times with my ideal soulmate. I think it will come, I just have to wait (maybe?)

D xx

this is just a test post!