Although I am not a girl!
The problem with CFS / M.E is there is no test to diagnose it. Its a process of elimination, so they test for everything and if all come back negative and you have certain symptoms then you get a diagnosis of it. My first year was very difficult and it reminded me of the film "The Exorcist" where they test the girl with these big heavy loud machines and in some ways as scary as the supernatural parts. I started hoping any test would show anything, these days I am bored of hospital tests and try to not have any if I can help it.
Seeing a councillor once a month its been suggested in the past that perhaps its not a "physical" illness but a "mental" one, eg its all anxiety or stress etc. I do get real symptoms that are physical but perhaps its all mental, if that makes sense and really I should have had more help then I have got, if that is true. I think that's a hard concept to come to terms with personally and only on the last 12 months could I say that I accept that's a possible theory. No one Doctors, Psychs or any professionals can say for sure because there is no blood test for yes or no! Maybe its just simpler and easier to say I have felt too unwell to do things or live a normal life.
But Weds 2 weeks talking to the councillor she suggested something as well. We were talking about gay issues. I am not sure if I have negative issues about being gay. I really admire other friends but perhaps feel negative a bit about myself. But she suggested that at the time I first got ill I was coming to terms with being gay and perhaps I have issues with guys. I accept to myself that it is probably true. Perhaps I hid myself away from the world in order to avoid relationships with guys. I think its true but don't know why or why I am protecting myself. Maybe its low self esteem or self confidence. I have managed somehow to avoid men. Its something I have come to terms with but now gotta work out where to go from here. I don't hate being gay or anything like that although when I first got ill I did view it negatively, I think that's changed now but still a little scared of some people finding out. I am scared of negative reaction or abuse. But maybe I feel the intimacy or getting rejected?
Someone told me the other day I was the nicest person they know but also the most fucked up :)
Its hard to come to terms with your issues sometimes, but I think I accept and see the patterns now more than ever, that's gotta be a good thing!
D xx
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